Time for pictures..

Then...


Now...

I love this one. He's really out of it he's so tired. (:

Life Lesson #3...

Remember.

That's it. That's the lesson. Remember. Have you heard about the Israelites being told by God to make "markers" with rocks each time or place there was something significant that happened? Then, they were supposed to remember because of the marker and tell each other the stories. Pass them down from generation to generation in order to remember God's goodness and faithfulness to them.
Tonight was an anniversary. One year ago today, my uncle passed away. He was sick for a while but it was oh so sad. I loved him dearly... and honestly I still find it hard to believe he is gone. In my mind, I still think he's out there on his land sitting on the tractor or going to show up in his pick up some day at my door just to give me a hard time. (and call me Crispy) I'm so glad my mom reminded me that today was THE actual day we lost him. I'm not good with dates. (ugh!)
So, I called my Grandma and took her to dinner. We sat and talked about my Uncle Butchie (that's what I called him) His name was really George. We talked about everything that made him special and great and loveable to us and so many. I asked her all about him when he was little and she shared a few memories.
We were taking time to remember. His life was significant and God did some pretty amazing things for him. It felt good.

Best Friends... to be or not to be?

All of my kids short life, I have had a few hard and fast rules. 1. No smart mouthing your mother. (: 2. No going outside without asking. 3. No best friends. When I first started this rule (the best friends one) I just did it out of instinct. In my humble experience, "best friends" had always left others (I guess that would be me) with hurt feelings. So, I didn't want my kids inflicting those hurt feelings on others. No matter how "unintentionally" it would be. So, along this line, I even went a step further and never let the kids get into a "rut" with friends. I always had them invite different friends to play at different times. No inviting just the same friend to play every time. I had watched other moms do differently and just as I suspected, often someone got their feelings hurt. No big deal really. I also have learned along this "mommy" path that you really can't avoid hurting feelings ALL the time. It's just impossible. If that is your only goal... you won't be able to do anything. BUT...

Fast forward to 2008...and some things are becoming clearer. Why is it that Best Friends are such a popular trend? Well, everyone does it. And guess what??? If you don't... you're pretty much odd man out. At this juncture,on one level,I wish I could relax and know that my girl had a bosom buddy to scoot through these next few years with. But, when I look a little deeper, I still think it's better to skip the best friend thing. Really, we all know, most "Best Friends" are temporarily holding that status. They may always be friends, but having to be the "best" one is either exhausting or will just naturally fizzle out. In the mean time, it may have alienated some perfectly great people that could have been your friend but chose not to because you already had a "Best Friend". Or, it could have alienated friends that you used to be "good friends" with, but now that you have a "best friend", maybe you don't need anymore.

And, most importantly, by not clinging to an earthly "best friend", you're one step closer to filling that hole in your heart that eventually longs to be filled with Jesus. We instinctively want to lean on someone, but when we lean on people, they tend to fall over with the weight of us. Jesus doesn't. I say, let's learn that now. No need to prolong that lesson.

I get it though, believe me, I get it. Not claiming to be holier than anyone here. I guess, if anything... just admitting a childhood hurt that is still governing my parenting. For better or worse.

"Dare you to pick yourself up off the floor"...

I just thought this fit where I'm at. If I still have to be here, what does it mean? What will I do with it? I have to pick myself up and keep going. I dare myself to move...

Countless tears

Here I sit, reclining in bed with my laptop screen dimmed (so as not to disturb the other sleeping beauties in the room a.k.a. my kids), with a very full and very broken heart. How is it that they can co-exist? My head throbs still from the hours of tears being pushed back. My nose is hot and red because the tears finally flowed and with them... my nose... The lump still sits in my throat though not as large as this morning and my stomach still feels like it's sinking. All of this, and I know that it pales in comparison to the aching my dear friend feels as she went home today after the memorial in honor of her little girl.
For whatever reason, God seems to be sending more of these little angels these days and especially to families who TREASURE life. Treasure it enough to let their little precious babies live every day that is ordained for them with love and dignity. I can't help but think there is a reason. In a culture that avoids pain and tries to make everything convenient, easy, beautiful, painless...God has allowed these little babies to teach us. To teach us that walking a road that promises to be hard and painful and not pretty and might end in death... IS WORTH IT... if it means we give our children the chance to live. We would do it over and over and over just to give our babies a moment, an hour, a day, or in Ava's case... 35 days. Thank you Lord. Thank you for our little angels... Phoenix and Ava. We miss you.
I have decided, instead of sitting here and wallowing in my sadness... to do something. In an attempt to honor such innocent and amazing little people, I want to commit to read the Bible through in a year. My husband says there is nothing more life changing. I have many a friend who have done it. I have tried before. This time, I am doing it for someone. For Phoenix and for Ava. I must take this frustrated energy and put it somewhere. I am signing up for the oneyearbibleblog and then I can get commentary etc. If you'd like to join me... you can go HERE and sign up.

Ava Milagro Feria has been welcomed home.
We love you and miss you baby girl...

The movie critic

Well, I've tried to protect my friends/readers from my more brooding, inner thought life. Mostly it has worked because, I've just been too tired and busy to think deeply. Sad, I know. I can hear the violins playing...
However, I am starting to come out of it (this fog I've been in) and I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head. Usually I do try to journal or write them down and this is where all of my journaling is ending up lately so, I apologize, but you get to hear my ramblings. (:
My husbands favorite new saying is "An unexamined life is a life not worth living." - Socrates.
I wholeheartedly agree. And, most of my life have thought that I am a person that is constantly examining my life. Another person worth quoting put it this way..." For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in the mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does." James 1:23-25
See James takes it a step further and tells us HOW to examine our life. To look intently at the perfect law and abide by it. So, lately, as I look more often into the "perfect law", I find that I have not been examining myself at all. No, I have been more like a movie critic. Watching and seeing things that are wrong... but not with me. You see, let me tell you how this happens. Our life is full of seasons. At the end of each tough season, we'd like to think we've arrived, passed the test and can sit back and munch on popcorn and take the role of movie critic. (humor me when I say "we" because it is comforting to think I'm not alone.)
Certainly, this past few years have been tough. 2 years of not getting pregnant, finally getting pregnant and then losing my precious little boy, losing 2 uncles right after that... (sigh)... yes, officially tough. Not the toughest road anyone has traveled... but definitely tough. So, I get through, get pregnant again, this time we actually bring our baby boy home. He's precious. So, I take inventory and say to myself, "Self, you've done well... you have made it through and did not choose anger or bitterness. You still trust God. Good job." Then, I make myself a bag of popcorn and proceed to take on the role...
Oh my, dear friends, just when you've passed a very real HARD test, lookout, because around the corner is a whole other monster. His name is PRIDE. Don't worry, he won't eat you. Not at first anyway. He likes to sit and chat and eat popcorn too. But, before you know it, he has begun to nibble away at the you that you think you are. Believe me, he would like to swallow me whole! So, I guess this is kind of like a confession. I see the monster sitting beside me, and I would like to get up off of the couch now and get on with my life. Sans popcorn. (: